My Personal Gospel: Accepting What I Don't Deserve

FOUR! - Today, the countdown continues with a Guest Post by Christy Barkman. Christy writes with a beautiful honesty and vulnerability. Allow God's truth to speak to your heart today... through her!

  When Monica asked me to do a guest blog, she said to just write whatever I would want to tell you as a reading audience. While I mulled over in my head what the One Thing would be that I would want everyone to read and bury in their hearts, I read a blog post from my friend who is serving in Amsterdam, working with women involved in human trafficking and this quote struck me hard.

“I believed Jesus loved those around me. I would tell you that Jesus is crazy about you and truly believe it. I didn’t live with that belief though.”

      This was what I have been living, for so long. How can I show the Love of Jesus to those around me if I don’t claim it for myself too? I see girls around me who are following the Lord with their hearts and their actions. They’re beautiful; they have love shining from their faces. I think, ‘Of course they are loved by God. They’re doing so well and it’s easy to see that they are in love with Jesus.’

     I see other girls who are living lies that are too sharp for them. They use their own arrow wounds to build a wall around their hearts that can only be broken by an act of God. Their faces are hard and they refuse to believe that there is forgiveness or purity or goodness. 

     I see girls who are deceived. They need the approval and acceptance of boys or girlfriends to believe that they’re beautiful. Girls whose only thoughts are for themselves and whatever color is ‘in’ for 2015. They measure their worth in what brand of clothing they wear, what size it is, and if anyone else will be jealous.  And yet, I can see that the love of God doesn’t even flinch.  He would peel their defenses away, if they would just let Him.

     But when it comes to me personally, I’m stymied.

     I believe in the love of God … especially for you. I would pray for you to receive His Love, and without a doubt believe He’ll give it, but … is that really for me too?

     I struggle with this so much. I live with myself; I see me being selfish and greedy and prideful every day. I push my needs and wants ahead of others all the time. I lash out in anger, and hurt my friends and family. I look at my life, all my dark moments and failures, and I hold His love out at arms length. How can He NOT have given up on me? How can my heart be worth gold?

     We’re so easily swayed, ladies.

     Swayed by the voices that are literally clamoring for our attention and time. Trendy phrases like, "Beauty is when you believe in yourself, you don't need anyone, I am who I am, so deal with it," and "always be the leading lady in your life," pop up everywhere you look. Like we’re somehow supposed to believe that when we finally love ourselves, we’ll finally find happiness. That confidence is key, and there is no room for weakness.

     So we try; we try to believe in our own capabilities.  But it never works because we know ourselves.

“We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind.”

Isaiah 64:6 

     Then there’s another voice that screams at me, "YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING WRONG. YOU ARE FAILING AT YOUR LIFE. SOMEONE ELSE COULD BE DOING SO MUCH BETTER. GIVE UP. THIS IS ALL FOR NOTHING." When I listen, it makes me limp. It numbs my courage because, why would I try if I’m worth nothing?

     "YOU ARE UGLY. YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING. THEY’RE LAUGHING AT YOU." I look at my feet, my short stubby feet. I hit somewhere right around 5 ft tall. The standard height for women?  Hardly. My nose is too big, I’m not graceful, my teeth are crooked and I have way too many moles on my face. All of those voices condemn, blame, tear down. There is despair, there is darkness.

     I know I’m sick of doubts and accusations, are you? Do you want the Truth? There is another Voice. "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." 

Romans 5:8 (emphasis added) 

     Take a moment to soak that in. Let it take your breath away.

     "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

Romans 6:23 (emphasis added)

      In the face of blatant Truth like this, burdens are lifted and lies are destroyed. 

     What is the Truth He’s breathing on us? He doesn’t give us a false sense of security in our own awesomeness. We were sinners, guys. Sinning against the God of the universe. That isn’t a good place to be in. But:

     “When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having cancelled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross.”

Colossians 2:13-14 

     He knew there was no way possible for us to do what needed to be done. He did it for us. It is finished, guys. We weren’t nothing; we were worse than nothing. Sinners. And even then, EVEN THEN, He loved us. He gave me a free gift, and with that comes a responsibility that would be too much for me if He wouldn’t walk right beside me all the way. HE IS GOOD. HE IS FAITHFUL.

     If you’re scratching your head and thinking, “Wait, this all sounds a whole lot like the Gospel story,” that’s because it is. I know I need a lot more Gospel in my life, what about you? I need to be sure of my foundation to be able to believe what He has for me today.

     The way I need to start thinking of myself is FORGIVEN and LOVED, and everything else goes dim.  When I’m secure, not in myself, but in Christ and His love for me, I don’t have to compare myself to anyone else. It takes away all of the pressure I put on myself to be perfect and measure up. I still have to follow, but He’ll lead.

So, why am I worthy of Jesus’s love?

I’m not. And He offers it anyway.

That’s where my security is.

Jesus.  

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